About a year ago, a friend told me she had had an epiphany. “I’ve been so focused on trying to think grateful thoughts,” she said (or something along those lines), “but it finally dawned on me that the point isn’t to think about being grateful, the point is to be grateful. It’s a feeling to cultivate, not a scripted set of thoughts.”
Her insight extends beyond gratitude. Self-compassion, for example, is more than just a set of compassionate-sounding thoughts. Connection is more than just a mental list of all that links us to the rest of humanity. Mindfulness isn’t just saying to yourself “Oh, I see a tree. Now I see a bird. Now I notice myself sipping my coffee.”
Last Saturday, I sent out an email about the it’s okay feeling. The power of the it’s okay feeling is that it’s a feeling—a body-based experience—not just a thought.
This is good news and bad news. It’s good news because if trying to think grateful, self-compassionate, connective, mindful, or equanimous thoughts isn’t doing anything for you, this offers a clue as to why. It’s bad news because it means work. It’s easy to make a list of five things you’re grateful for. You can probably even do it while watching your favorite TV show or absent-mindedly chatting on the phone—the same way you might make a grocery list. To really slip into gratitude and let it wash over you like water demands a bit more. It demands that we invite our full selves to this personal growth party—not just our minds.
In case it wasn’t obvious, we’re back to wholeheartedness again. Since sending you a newsletter on that theme a couple weeks ago, I’ve read an entire book on the subject of burnout, emotional exhaustion, and the things that hold us back from wholehearted living. It’s well worth reading in full (especially if you identify as a woman, since women are it’s intended audience). The book, Burnout, builds from a simple and powerful distinction: the distinction between stress and stressors.
Getting sick with Covid-19 was a stressor—a source of stress—for all of us. The ongoing symptoms and limitations we experience are also potential stressors. Ditto for lockdowns, social isolation, financial hardship, anxiety-provoking news articles, gaslighting doctors, medical bills, etc. We tend to imagine (or at least I do) that if we can just eliminate stressors, our stress will go away. Burnout makes the important point that stress is more than just a fleeting feeling; it is a cluster of physiological changes in the body. Removing or resolving stressors does not reverse these physiological changes—changes that can leave us feeling emotional stuck. If we want to live wholeheartedly, it is not enough to deal with the problem or the stressor; we also have to address our own physiological stress response.
Addressing our stress requires that we “complete the stress cycle,” as the authors put it. Stress is meant to have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Our nervous systems aren’t meant to stay locked in it forever. To reach the end of our stress, we have to signal to our body that we are safe, that it’s okay. Our body isn’t all that impressed by our thinking, though. We communicate with our body by doing.
Studies suggest that physical activity is the most efficient way to communicate to our bodies that we have survived a threat and that our nervous system can return to rest and digest mode. At first glance, this may sound like a catch-22 for long-haulers. “But my body won’t let me exercise,” we all moan!
That’s okay. There are other options. Here is a sampling of body-based methods for calming your stress and completing the stress cycle—even when you can’t eliminate the stressors: mindful breathing (focus on a long exhalation), tensing and then relaxing your muscles, positive social interaction, laughter, reminiscing about past laughter, physical affection, spending time in nature, crying, and creative expression.
Since reading the book, I’ve found myself noticing the distinction between stressors in my life and the stress that they give rise to. Now, when one of my boys has a meltdown, I still take the time to soothe and calm him (address the stressor), but I also try to build in some time to soothe myself (address the stress). Taking a big breath in, shrugging my shoulders way up toward my ears, scrunching up my face, and then gasping the air out in a long and noisy exhalation as my shoulders melt downward and my face relaxes is usually enough to help me reset, bringing my body back into its rest and digest mode—which is also its healing mode, and the mode in which wholeheartedness can blossom.
What allows you to heal from stress? What body-based strategies help you to complete the stress cycle and calm your nervous system?
Yes, this is important. And I think it's doubly important for POTSies, with all the extra heart-speeding adrenaline rushing around all the time with nowhere to go.
I was in a bad headspace last weekend after a big relapse. My thoughts were spinning out of control and I was panicky at all the bodily sensations that felt like they didn't belong. I couldn't bring myself down by watching funny tv or by trying grounding techniques (count five sounds, etc.) - I felt like I couldn't distract myself. But then I had a flash of inspiration and turned to youtube to find videos on self-massage techniques for anxiety, figuring there must be such a thing, and figuring nothing feels better than physical comfort when my brain is refusing to co-operate.
There is, and it worked! After a few minutes I felt relief wash in, and something else wash away, and I began crying. I think partly at the physical release, and partly because it felt like I was actually giving myself something - comfort, affection, nurture. Dare I say love? I'm not usually good at that sort of thing. Usually I try to think my way out of things and tell myself off for feeling as I do. This was much more effective.
10/10 would recommend.
I made the connection that laughter helps even during the first few weeks of acute illness. So even while the body was working harder and flooded with stress hormones, it obviously felt reassured by it’s owner laughing. I make a point of smiling and laughing now, watching favourite tv programmes, laughing at myself .... after my routinely slow waking the other morning, my tummy indicated so loudly that it was high time I got up and fed it, it made me laugh out loud. I was also happy because I knew my parasympathetic state was getting back to normal.... albeit slowly. These as you’ve pointed out were all feelings not just thoughts. Thanks for the blog and have a touchy feely day 😊