Ask Jenny

Navigating the Dark Days

I’m so excited to send you the very first Ask Jenny column! Several of you sent questions—all of them worthwhile and important. If your question wasn’t chosen for this month, stay tuned for future Ask Jenny columns, and also feel free to bring your questions to the community in the comment thread below. Speaking of comments, let’s shower Jenny with ‘likes’ and thank you’s for her generosity in sharing her expertise with us! Without further adieu . . .

Question:

“... Today is one of those days that I’m afraid. What can we do to make us feel better, mentally and emotionally, on the dark days.”

Dear Damsel in the Dark, 

I’m so glad you asked about the dark days. On these days, our fears are bigger and gloomier than usual. They seem to take up so much space. They overwhelm and exhaust us. Dark days trick us into believing that we will never find our way through the pain and grief of illness. If today is one of those days, please know that I see you. 

Many of us instinctively fight the dark days when they arrive. It’s an understandable strategy, but it can also keep us feeling stuck, overwhelmed, and depleted.  Instead, let’s try a more compassionate, soothing response to when we feel afraid. And if today happens to be a better day, we can still strengthen our self-compassion muscle memory. We will be better emotionally equipped for when the next dark day rolls in.

First, find a quiet place to sit or lie down. Take a few breaths, feeling your belly expand slowly on the in-breath and deflate even slower on the out-breath. Let your shoulders drop and your neck relax. Notice if your body becomes a little softer in the chair or on the bed.  

Now ask yourself this question: “What would it look like if I responded gently and kindly to myself right now?  Not when I’m feeling healthier or calmer or stronger, but right now, when I’m feeling most afraid?”

Whatever your answers are to this question, take a few minutes to write them on a note to yourself. Maybe it means you let yourself cry without judgement. Maybe it means you take a nap, or simply close your eyes and rest. Maybe it means you gently stretch or move your body. Maybe it looks like listening to a favorite song, or texting a favorite, compassionate person. Maybe it means you say to yourself, “I may not have all the answers right now, but I’m figuring it out, day by day.”

Now, take this list and tape it to your wall or place it by your bed. Let this note become your roadmap back to yourself on the dark days. This list is where you can look when you feel overwhelmed by pain or fatigue or fear. While the dark days are often some of the most painful ones, they may also be the most revealing of our innate wisdom--that tender part of ourselves that knows how to soothe what hurts. 

Love,

Jenny

Jennifer Diamond, MA, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Long-Hauler advocate who supports individuals in living full, meaningful lives. 

This column is meant for educational purposes only, and does not replace a therapeutic relationship with a licensed mental health professional or physician.