Today, all the little things went wrong, stacking one atop another so that the day they built bears little resemblance to the one I envisioned. I’m mad, I’m frustrated, I’m annoyed. I’m feeling sorry for myself and at the same time, irked with myself. I’m a lot of things, and at peace is not one of them. I think it can be, though, and I want to take you on that journey with me.
Here’s what I tend to do when big, ugly, uncomfortable emotions arise: I give them a nod: “I see you, Anger,” or “I hear you, Sadness.” Maybe I breathe into them a bit. And sometimes, that’s all they need. But other times, like today, these feelings want to stick around, and I don’t want them to. I want to nod them away and compassionately acknowledge them into extinction, but here they stand, refusing to budge, growing by the second. They want more than to just be acknowledged. They want to be accepted and understood. Demanding little bastards.
Here is step one for me right now: I need to make peace with not being at peace. Just saying those words opens up space inside me. There’s space around my feelings, and there’s space around my feelings about my feelings. Space is where all the magic happens. I can already feel the tension draining from my shoulders and face. I can feel my breath deepening and my chest expanding.
Yes, we can be at peace with not being at peace.
In this newly opened space, I’m finding myself asking things like, “Hey, Anger, what do you need right now?” “Hey, frustration, is there something you’re trying to tell me?” Curiosity is a byproduct of space; it’s also a prerequisite to creativity.
What if every big, ugly, uncomfortable emotion is saying the same thing: “Hey, I don’t like this situation. Can we create something different?”
Sometimes the creation that’s called for is a better way of communicating. Sometimes it’s a softer way of relating to ourselves. It might also be a change in our external relationships or a step toward greater safety or a leap in the direction of our most audacious dreams. The thing is, to tap into our creative energy, we have to be willing to tap into our emotions—all of them.
Somewhere in the process of writing this short email, my anger and frustration have vanished. Not only am I at peace with not being at peace, I’m just at peace period. I’m not going to bog you down with the details of why today has been hard for me, but I do want to say that as my anger and frustration have receded, they’ve left something behind. It’s a question, particular to my situation. Just a question, but it glimmers like a seashell, left in the sand by the tide as it goes out. It feels like something to pick up. Something to hold to my ear. Something to marvel at. An opening into insight, into creation, and into a new way of relating to the particulars of circumstance.
This journey you shared left me off at the crossroads of allowing and trusting. Allowing all my emotions the benefit of full membership and trusting that none of them will come to define me or cause me harm. Resisting them *does* cause them to persist (and quite possibly grow, as you noted!). I too am breathing a little easier in the space that opened up as I read your process. May the rest of this day be graced with space, trust, allowance (and fewer glitches!).
I love how how Thich Nhat Hanh said ‘I can take care of this anger.’ So gentle, so empowering, and also acknowledging how scary it can be to feel big feelings.