Enough Already

Writing about my own experiences and living with long Covid have something in common. They both, oh so sweetly, shove my weaknesses to center stage, beaming a white hot spotlight down onto them so that ignoring my flaws is no longer an option. Let’s not call them flaws, though. Flaws sound ugly, like the bumpy red rash that peppers my nose and cheeks when I spend too much time in the sun (thanks, Covid). Let’s call them growth edges, like therapists do.

I’ll tell you about one of my growth edges. It’s the jagged margin that sometimes arises not too long after I click ‘publish’. Before I hit that button, I’m playing, dancing, exploring, calling up the best within me and trusting that it’s enough. After hitting the button, though, play time is over. My ego steps onto the stage. How many ‘likes’? How many ‘shares’? Is this better than other things I’ve written? Worse? Dear God, please don’t let it be worse. They must think I’m an idiot. They see right through me—see that I have nothing to offer.

At this jagged margin, there are only two possibilities: I am the best, or I am the worst. Either Oprah is about to call me up and beg for an interview, or I am useless slug, painting lines of linguistic slime that no one wants to read. I am everything, or I am nothing.

At my core, I know this is complete bullshit. Obnoxiously persistent bullshit, but bullshit nonetheless. I know this, too: you can’t battle bullshit. When you try, it only grows in self-importance. And so for me, the solution is to laugh at this narrow, self-absorbed voice, then pat it on its tantruming little head, and carry on with actually living. It’s not my imperfection that I need to laugh at (though there’s a place for that, too). It’s the belief that imperfection is a problem—the voice that says I’m not enough because I’m not perfect—that calls for a good guffaw.

Do you experience this, too? Do you find yourself craving external validation or fearing criticism? Do you imagine that you are now less than you used to be simply because you can do less? Do you worry that you won’t be enough until you are fully well?

Enough already. You are enough. I am enough. We are enough, just as we are. When our heads ache or our bodies are exhausted or all we can do is put one unsteady foot in front of the other, we are still enough. Whether you get laid off from a job you loved or discounted by a doctor you hoped would help, you are enough. Whether your body heals tomorrow or in a year or never, you are enough. We are enough already—sun rashes, growth edges, and all.

If the voice in your head isn’t as self-compassionate as you would like it to be, I think you’ll love episode 3 of the Corona Cafe podcast. Listen in on my conversation with author and long-hauler Radha Ruparell. If Radha’s wisdom and warmth wow you like they wow me, then check out her book, “Brave Now,” where she shares how she’s using the challenges of long Covid to live more fully into her life.