I wanted to send you a peppy email, wishing you “Happy Holidays,” but cheery wishes of happiness and merriment feel hollow right now. Of course I wish for you to be happy and merry. I wish that—along with a full return of health—for all of us long-haulers. But “to everything there is a season,” and for many of us, this is a season of grief, loneliness, loss, and uncertainty.
I’m working on allowing myself the full range of emotions stirred by this season in my body and this season in the world. I’m trying not to run from the ouch. I’m also trying not to get in the way of my own healing by picking at my wounds with an incessant spiral of thoughts. Instead, I’m trying to step back just a little from each feeling so that I can see it clearly, much like you have to step back from a Monet to gain perspective on the splashes of color.
An interesting thing happens when I step back from my feelings with the goal of seeing them rather than the goal of escaping them. Something new comes into the picture: space. The space between me and a feeling softens my resistance to the feeling, and more often than not, the feeling itself softens, too. The loneliness loses its bite. The uncertainty loses its razor edge. Loss feels tempered by love.
I am not my grief, my loss, my symptoms, my loneliness, or my worries. I am the vast space in which they arise. I am the observer, the noticer, the experiencer. You are, too.
I can’t realistically wish you (or myself) a holiday season devoid of loneliness, uncertainty, long-haul symptoms, or loss this year. But here is what I do wish for you, for me, for all of us:
I wish you space around your darkest, heaviest feelings. I wish you the presence and self-compassion that make it possible to crawl out from under those feelings and sit next to them on the couch, rather than underneath them.
I wish you moments of laughter. I plan to find those by binge watching Schitt’s Creek.
I wish you spontaneity and play—whether that means singing in the shower, throwing a snowball, hugging a tree, doodling, playing sudoku, baking, or knitting something outrageous.
I wish you connection with the more-than-human world. I wish you a breathtaking sunset, the crash of an ocean wave, a blanket of fresh snow, wind in your hair, or a flock of starlings shape shifting in the sky.
I wish you the warmth of love. With the exception of my delightful and devilish children, I can’t physically be with my family or friends this holiday season, but I plan to bombard friends and loved ones (especially the ones who are flying solo right now) with emails, texts, and phone calls in the coming week. Giving love is just as healing as receiving it.
I wish you intentionality. So much in our lives—and in this holiday season—is shaped by the grand accident of Covid-19. We can’t erase the painful realities of this pandemic, but we can live intentionally within the world as it is. For the week from Christmas to New Year, I’m making the intentional choice to unplug from social media. I will choose to bundle up and spend as much time in nature as my body allows. I will choose to notice and celebrate the added minute of sunlight that each day brings. I will choose to notice and celebrate the love that is in my life—the old connections that have withstood the axe blows of space and time, and the new connections that have blossomed from the chaotic soil of 2020.
Thank you for being one of these new and blossoming connections. I wish you space, laughter, play, and love in this difficult season of your life.
Thank you for your words as always Lisa. I wish you Merry Christmas from sunny Spain, the wishes may take a bit longer to get there but I hope they do! I have no doubt that 2021 will bring us healing and the opportunity to build a new life, even better than it was before all this mess. Big hug!
Thanks for your kind words and thoughts. Your idea of putting space between yourself and your feelings to soften them and gain new perspective is excellent. Your message arrived at a good time for me and was very helpful. Wishing you and your loved ones a very Merry Christmas!