Love in the Long-haul
We need love like we need air, water, sleep, and nutrient-dense food. Many of us load up on supplements or green vegetables to help our bodies heal. We dial down our stress and carefully pace our activities. Maybe we visit specialist after specialist. If love is lacking in our life, though, then research suggests that we are missing out on a surprisingly effective medicine.
In his book “Cured,” Harvard physician Jeffrey Rediger argues that addressing loneliness is just as essential to our health as improving nutrition or breaking harmful habits like smoking. When we experience feelings of love or connection, the vagus nerve is stimulated and releases oxytocin. This “love medicine,” as Rediger calls it, counteracts stress hormones and decreases inflammation. Stimulation of the vagus nerve increases vagal tone, which in turn helps to ensure that automatic processes like heartbeat, breathing, and digestion run smoothly.
At first glance, it seems like we are in an impossible conundrum. Boosting love and connection in our lives may help our bodies to heal, but how on earth can we do that in the middle of a pandemic? How do we enjoy social connection if we aren’t well enough to engage in activities? And what about the fact that many of us feel left in the dust by friends or loved ones since falling ill?
Dr. Rediger offers an interesting solution: we need to expand our definition of love. Love isn’t just romance. It isn’t just that thing we share with our family or best friends. Rediger writes: “We need to see all moments of micro-connection as meaningful—because when we do, we are more open to connection and more open to feeling the positive emotions of love, compassion, and empathy. In this way, our vagus nerve gets stimulated again and again and again, and the positive effects begin to build on one another, growing stronger.”
Research suggests that, at least as far as our nervous systems are concerned, brief interactions with strangers can be just as powerful as sustained interactions with close friends and family. That sparkly-eyed behind-the-mask smile you exchange with the barista matters. The brief, socially-distanced conversation with your fellow dog walker in the park matters. The prayers or kind wishes you offer for others matter. The mindful text exchange, phone call, or Zoom chat matters. None of these exchanges guarantee feelings of love or connection. They don’t guarantee stimulation of the vagus nerve. But by entering each of these exchanges with mindfulness and openness, we increase our chances of being dosed with “love medicine.” And the more our vagus nerve gets stimulated, the more sensitive it becomes to stimulation. It’s like a muscle that grows stronger with exercise. This creates a positive feedback loop—an “upward spiral of the heart,” as researcher Barbara Fredrickson calls it.
Here are a few ways that we can begin encouraging this upward spiral of love in our own lives:
Make a list of the ways that others have shown you love or kindness since you fell ill
Make a list of the ways that you have shown love or kindness to yourself or others since falling ill
Take a few minutes each day to send a mini love message to a friend, coworker, or family member, telling them what you appreciate about them
Write in your journal about happy memories of love and connection
If it feels like a safe option for you, get together with a friend or acquaintance outdoors. Know your limits and communicate them in advance. If you are only well enough to spend twenty minutes chatting, set an alarm, and make the most of your short time together!
Recall a moment of shared laughter
Engage in a random act of kindness
Forgive yourself for something you’ve done
Forgive someone else
If you live with others, carve out screen-free time together
Notice which activities diminish your sense of connection, love, or empathy, and explore how you can eliminate them or reduce their negative impact
Smile at a stranger and take the time to imagine what challenges they might be facing in their life
Send someone a card, gift, or care package
Mindfully engage with others here or in a Covid-19 support group
What does connection look and feel like in your life right now? How might you invite more love and connection in?
Really useful list of reminders here ❤️