I honestly feel like we’re on a very similar journey emotionally. I too have been thinking a lot about whether I’m ready, and working on getting through the fear, apprehension and negative self talk that holds me back. Today one of my doctors told me that I needed to bulls**t myself into believing that I was okay. Sometimes that’s what it takes. That even through the pain I should bulls**t myself and take another step forward until I find myself breaking free from this loop that I find myself stuck in that prevents me from moving forward and being ready for the next part of my life. I think the reason it is difficult and scary is because it involves a huge amount of vulnerability. It involves really working on and dealing with a lot of things like trauma, beliefs, habits, conditioning, people pleasing, guilt, insecurities, shame, and relationships, that have held us back from living the life we really want. It would be hard to fully live that life without having dealt with those things. As someone who has a tendency to try and control things in my life, being ready for this life that is more me and ever before requires letting go, taking a huge leap forward relinquishing control and seeing where it all leads. This can be so scary. Dealing with the past is now makes dealing with the future I want for myself less and less scary. Healing the past has been the key to my future; the key to being ready to walk into my life.
I've been thinking a lot about self-talk lately and am grappling with the tension between my desire to be real (I don't love the idea of bullshitting myself) and the recognition that reality is generally much more complex than whatever limited story I'm telling myself about it. There's potential danger in bullshitting . . . for example, will I then be more likely to push myself too hard and end up with post-exertional malaise? On the other hand, I think that telling myself that I'm sick isn't always helpful either. Maybe that sort of negative self-story contributes (not CAUSES, just contributes) to the sympathetic nervous system activation that so many of us are dealing with. And of course, the reality is that I'm not just sick. More of my body is functioning properly than not, otherwise I wouldn't be able to type this message. I am feeling the need to grant more awareness to the health that also exists in my body and to be choosier about how much energy I give to the whole notion of sickness. I had a lovely conversation with a long-hauler friend yesterday that inspired me with alternate language . . . I'm not sick, I'm healing. I like that because it doesn't feel bull-shitty, but it also doesn't feel like locking myself into this illness as if it's my whole reality. I think this ties in, too, with the impacts of trauma and of our pasts. All that stuff lives in our body, but it too can be part of a healing self rather than a sick self.
What you said about the bullshitting is exactly what I came out of my session thinking. I decided that I wanted to find a good balance between being real and honest with myself while not speaking negatively to myself and keeping myself in that loop. Bullshitting to me means I run the risk of not dealing with the reality that I’m faced with and instead burying things that later manifest into more physical pain and other illnesses. I have done this many times in the past and the result is not a good one. Like you said, PEM is real and pushing myself beyond what I can handle just makes things worse. It was a good lesson for me in listening to advice, sitting with it, and then deciding for myself whether or not to follow it. For me I think it did make me think long and hard about how I talk to myself, and the importance of not getting stuck in it and having the illness define me. That is what I got out of it. The bullshitting part I won’t be taking with me.
I love how your long hauler friend put it, “I’m not sick, I’m healing”. I am going to use that and say that to myself. I love it.
I love every word you say Lisa. Emotionally I am right there with you, so much suffering but so much growing and learning and the time to pause has been a gift I didn’t know I needed. X
Thank you, Tess! I definitely didn’t know I needed this either - and yet now I wouldn’t erase the past year, even if I could. (Though I still have a preferred version of how the future will play out from here!)
Me too! I feel exactly the same. Reading your comments below, I have just downloaded a lovely app called ‘Think Up’ where you can record positive affirmations and listen to them back with calming music. Not for everyone but I have found them so soothing first thing in the morning and last at night - and maybe ‘I am healing’ is the biggest one for us all, talk to that subconscious part of ourselves! Xx
I honestly feel like we’re on a very similar journey emotionally. I too have been thinking a lot about whether I’m ready, and working on getting through the fear, apprehension and negative self talk that holds me back. Today one of my doctors told me that I needed to bulls**t myself into believing that I was okay. Sometimes that’s what it takes. That even through the pain I should bulls**t myself and take another step forward until I find myself breaking free from this loop that I find myself stuck in that prevents me from moving forward and being ready for the next part of my life. I think the reason it is difficult and scary is because it involves a huge amount of vulnerability. It involves really working on and dealing with a lot of things like trauma, beliefs, habits, conditioning, people pleasing, guilt, insecurities, shame, and relationships, that have held us back from living the life we really want. It would be hard to fully live that life without having dealt with those things. As someone who has a tendency to try and control things in my life, being ready for this life that is more me and ever before requires letting go, taking a huge leap forward relinquishing control and seeing where it all leads. This can be so scary. Dealing with the past is now makes dealing with the future I want for myself less and less scary. Healing the past has been the key to my future; the key to being ready to walk into my life.
I've been thinking a lot about self-talk lately and am grappling with the tension between my desire to be real (I don't love the idea of bullshitting myself) and the recognition that reality is generally much more complex than whatever limited story I'm telling myself about it. There's potential danger in bullshitting . . . for example, will I then be more likely to push myself too hard and end up with post-exertional malaise? On the other hand, I think that telling myself that I'm sick isn't always helpful either. Maybe that sort of negative self-story contributes (not CAUSES, just contributes) to the sympathetic nervous system activation that so many of us are dealing with. And of course, the reality is that I'm not just sick. More of my body is functioning properly than not, otherwise I wouldn't be able to type this message. I am feeling the need to grant more awareness to the health that also exists in my body and to be choosier about how much energy I give to the whole notion of sickness. I had a lovely conversation with a long-hauler friend yesterday that inspired me with alternate language . . . I'm not sick, I'm healing. I like that because it doesn't feel bull-shitty, but it also doesn't feel like locking myself into this illness as if it's my whole reality. I think this ties in, too, with the impacts of trauma and of our pasts. All that stuff lives in our body, but it too can be part of a healing self rather than a sick self.
What you said about the bullshitting is exactly what I came out of my session thinking. I decided that I wanted to find a good balance between being real and honest with myself while not speaking negatively to myself and keeping myself in that loop. Bullshitting to me means I run the risk of not dealing with the reality that I’m faced with and instead burying things that later manifest into more physical pain and other illnesses. I have done this many times in the past and the result is not a good one. Like you said, PEM is real and pushing myself beyond what I can handle just makes things worse. It was a good lesson for me in listening to advice, sitting with it, and then deciding for myself whether or not to follow it. For me I think it did make me think long and hard about how I talk to myself, and the importance of not getting stuck in it and having the illness define me. That is what I got out of it. The bullshitting part I won’t be taking with me.
I love how your long hauler friend put it, “I’m not sick, I’m healing”. I am going to use that and say that to myself. I love it.
I really appreciate your reply. I'm still playing around with this balance, too!
don’t mind the typos. Covid brain is to blame 🤣
I definitely am on the Covid brain journey, too, lol!
I love every word you say Lisa. Emotionally I am right there with you, so much suffering but so much growing and learning and the time to pause has been a gift I didn’t know I needed. X
Thank you, Tess! I definitely didn’t know I needed this either - and yet now I wouldn’t erase the past year, even if I could. (Though I still have a preferred version of how the future will play out from here!)
Me too! I feel exactly the same. Reading your comments below, I have just downloaded a lovely app called ‘Think Up’ where you can record positive affirmations and listen to them back with calming music. Not for everyone but I have found them so soothing first thing in the morning and last at night - and maybe ‘I am healing’ is the biggest one for us all, talk to that subconscious part of ourselves! Xx