Begin Again

I used to think I was bad at meditating. Or that mediation wasn’t meant for me. After all, I wiggle. I fidget. And when by some miracle I do manage to hold my body still, then my mind compensates for that stillness by wandering, chattering, leaping, cartwheeling, hula hooping, and blowing spit bubbles.

So I laughed with self-recognition when I heard this quote about meditation from Angel Kyodo Williams: “The first thing we are met with is not quiet or calm or peace. The first thing we are met with is ‘Oh my God, who is in here? And why won’t they shut up?’”

Long-haul covid has pushed the pause button on so much of my doing. But it has not automatically paused my incessant thinking. This realization prompted me to give meditation another try. I’m only a couple of months in and still have a lot to learn. But you know what? I’ve decided that I’m excellent at meditating.

How do I measure my excellence at meditation? Well, the more I practice, the more convinced I am that the most powerful moment of meditation is the pivot. It’s the moment when you realize that your mind has wandered. It’s the moment of awareness when you gently and intentionally release your thoughts and return to the present moment. What makes me excellent at meditation is that my hula-hooping, bubble-blowing mind gives me so many opportunities to wake up to my own unconsciousness. It gives me chance after chance after chance to smile at my own jumpiness and gently return to the breath.

“There you go thinking again,” I laugh to myself. Or sometimes, I simply say the words: “Begin again.”

Begin again. It’s what I’m learning to do all day every day.

Sometimes I forget to listen to my body’s distress signals. I push too hard. That’s okay. As soon as I notice what I’m doing—as soon as I allow the light of awareness to shine on me—I can make the choice to pivot. I can skip self-flagellation and simply begin again.

Somedays I’m edgy and irritable. I lose my temper with my kids or fail to listen deeply to the people I love. Do you know what is even more productive and healing than wallowing in shame about my imperfections? Turning inward to see where the anger comes from. Noticing my unconsciousness and then pivoting—beginning again.  

And then there are the relapses! The ultimate test of our capacity to begin again. Each of us have already proven ourselves resilient enough. Last week, I was largely bedridden again for several days. My symptoms felt scary at times. My boys had to go stay with their dad. “I’ve done this before. I can do it again,” I reminded myself. And it was easier this time. I wasn’t starting from scratch, totally unsure of the necessary ingredients. No, I was just beginning again. Rest, hydrate, accept help, be kind to yourself. I knew what to do. You do, too.

I don’t have to begin again as often as I used to in my meditation practice. Bit by bit, the gaps between thoughts grow longer. Bit by bit, my capacity to remain present with my breath grows. Bit by bit, my covid relapses are becoming shorter and farther apart, too. This isn’t a perfectly tidy trend, though. Thankfully, my happiness in life doesn’t depend on my recovery continuing or progressing in a certain way. Happiness, after all, can only be experienced in the present moment—a place that we humans all too often overlook. For most of us, then, happiness depends on our willingness to begin again—to smile at our own jumpiness and gently return to the present . . . over and over and over again.

In what ways are you beginning again today?