"Terrible things pull treasures in their wake." This line literally sent a shiver through me. Thank you for sharing this beautiful tribute and the wise retrospective view of your 4-years-hence self. And as to your 2024 neck...#elastigirlkicksass 💪
My four year anniversary was March 5. I think you've found a lot more gratitude for this struggle than I have, so maybe I should work on that, since I did get many gifts from covid. But I'm in the strange place of being well enough that everyone thinks I'm fully well, while the internal reality is much more complicated. I feel like I'm back to living at the pace of outside world, and I'm grateful to be able to do it, but there is still a deep, core level of TIRED. My fantasy is to have 6 months to pause, reflect on it all, focus on exercise and sleep and good food, and then maybe I could be truly well. The kind of well where you *want* to do things. Not the kind of well where you can once again force yourself.
But, at any rate: Congratulations to us all for making it through! And congratulations to you, Lisa, for being able to offer yourself so much kindness. Maybe I will get there later on. :-) Fighting!
Hi, Hanna! Thank you so much for your comment. I read it earlier today when I didn't have time to reply, and so it's been bouncing around in my mind ever since. In a lot of ways, I think what you're describing is the hardest position to be in. When you're too sick to function at all, then if you're lucky enough to have a decent support system, there's some level of understanding about what you're going through because it's at least partially visible. But once your life looks mostly the same from the outside, it's hard for others to grasp how different it feels from the inside. So in addition to being so tired, there can be a sense of isolation, which doesn't make anything easier.
I think one kinda weird reason that gratitude has come readily for me in this whole experience (besides the fact that I've always seemed to be pretty wired for gratitude) is that the onset of my illness coincided more or less with my exit from a toxic marriage. This has made finances harder but everything else easier. It feels like the space around me and inside of me doubled overnight when my ex moved out, and in some ways it's hard to tease apart the gifts/gratitude that have emerged from that with the gifts/gratitude that have emerged from the undeniably hard and shitty "blessing" of chronic illness. I think maybe the illness and divorce have interacted synergistically, leaving me feeling like even though I live with new physical constraints, I no longer have to follow the normal cultural scripts or live inside old psychological/emotional/social/spiritual constraints . . . at least for now. We'll see where that lands me!
By the way, I absolutely want that fantasy of 6 months rest and reflection to come true for you. I feel certain you deserve it!
Wow—your “before” photo gives me all kinds of feels, and I’ve never even met you in person! It’s a good thing we don’t know what’s coming down the pike, isn’t it. I’m so happy you’re getting better, and so happy you’re sharing the good things that can come with such catastrophic change, if we can bear it. What was your phrase about the treasures trailing after? Ah, yes: “terrible things pull treasures in their wake.” A poet’s line—just gorgeous!
Thank you, Priscilla! I definitely get some feels from looking at that picture, too. Mostly I just want to hug that woman because I know she’s got some tough days around the corner. But I feel so grateful to be here where I am today.
I am so grateful you exist and that you have the reflective capacity and wisdom to gaze backwards, center deeply in the present, and nod lovingly to the future. What gifts! The photo of sis and you is a gem! 🙂
Thank you, Larry! I had a Twilight Zone moment today where I thought "what if the reason I made it through the hard things as well as I did is BECAUSE I wrote myself this letter (and time is non-linear)." Not saying it's true, but the thought sort of delighted me.
I am so glad that you not only survived these four years, but that you continue to find new ways to thrive! (I’m addressing that to you, but I’m cc:ing myself. 😊)
"Terrible things pull treasures in their wake." This line literally sent a shiver through me. Thank you for sharing this beautiful tribute and the wise retrospective view of your 4-years-hence self. And as to your 2024 neck...#elastigirlkicksass 💪
Hahaha, I love elastigirl, so I am going to own the hell out of that! Thank you, friend!
My four year anniversary was March 5. I think you've found a lot more gratitude for this struggle than I have, so maybe I should work on that, since I did get many gifts from covid. But I'm in the strange place of being well enough that everyone thinks I'm fully well, while the internal reality is much more complicated. I feel like I'm back to living at the pace of outside world, and I'm grateful to be able to do it, but there is still a deep, core level of TIRED. My fantasy is to have 6 months to pause, reflect on it all, focus on exercise and sleep and good food, and then maybe I could be truly well. The kind of well where you *want* to do things. Not the kind of well where you can once again force yourself.
But, at any rate: Congratulations to us all for making it through! And congratulations to you, Lisa, for being able to offer yourself so much kindness. Maybe I will get there later on. :-) Fighting!
Hi, Hanna! Thank you so much for your comment. I read it earlier today when I didn't have time to reply, and so it's been bouncing around in my mind ever since. In a lot of ways, I think what you're describing is the hardest position to be in. When you're too sick to function at all, then if you're lucky enough to have a decent support system, there's some level of understanding about what you're going through because it's at least partially visible. But once your life looks mostly the same from the outside, it's hard for others to grasp how different it feels from the inside. So in addition to being so tired, there can be a sense of isolation, which doesn't make anything easier.
I think one kinda weird reason that gratitude has come readily for me in this whole experience (besides the fact that I've always seemed to be pretty wired for gratitude) is that the onset of my illness coincided more or less with my exit from a toxic marriage. This has made finances harder but everything else easier. It feels like the space around me and inside of me doubled overnight when my ex moved out, and in some ways it's hard to tease apart the gifts/gratitude that have emerged from that with the gifts/gratitude that have emerged from the undeniably hard and shitty "blessing" of chronic illness. I think maybe the illness and divorce have interacted synergistically, leaving me feeling like even though I live with new physical constraints, I no longer have to follow the normal cultural scripts or live inside old psychological/emotional/social/spiritual constraints . . . at least for now. We'll see where that lands me!
By the way, I absolutely want that fantasy of 6 months rest and reflection to come true for you. I feel certain you deserve it!
Wow—your “before” photo gives me all kinds of feels, and I’ve never even met you in person! It’s a good thing we don’t know what’s coming down the pike, isn’t it. I’m so happy you’re getting better, and so happy you’re sharing the good things that can come with such catastrophic change, if we can bear it. What was your phrase about the treasures trailing after? Ah, yes: “terrible things pull treasures in their wake.” A poet’s line—just gorgeous!
Thank you, Priscilla! I definitely get some feels from looking at that picture, too. Mostly I just want to hug that woman because I know she’s got some tough days around the corner. But I feel so grateful to be here where I am today.
Letting go is powerful medicine!
That’s such a good way of putting it!
My ronaversary is coming up on 4/1. Happy you’re here. This is beautiful, thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Beth! I’m wishing you all the good things for your ronaversary - whatever good means to you.
I am so grateful you exist and that you have the reflective capacity and wisdom to gaze backwards, center deeply in the present, and nod lovingly to the future. What gifts! The photo of sis and you is a gem! 🙂
Thank you, Larry! I had a Twilight Zone moment today where I thought "what if the reason I made it through the hard things as well as I did is BECAUSE I wrote myself this letter (and time is non-linear)." Not saying it's true, but the thought sort of delighted me.
Lisa, that is a truly delightful possibility! Wisdom and mystical synergy transcends space and time!
I am so glad that you not only survived these four years, but that you continue to find new ways to thrive! (I’m addressing that to you, but I’m cc:ing myself. 😊)